Month: March 2014

Open the drapes and let the sunlight in ….on this blog

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So I did it again, I said I was going to let go but I created more work for myself, more pressure on me to come up with a weekly posting on a Monday to improve self-esteem for girls… I woke up feeling weighted down once again… Because I created another job for myself when I already am doing one of the hardest jobs around… Being a parent and stay at home mom…

86 that idea people! I know it’s mainly my friends and family reading this blog so I’m sure you’ll understand! I don’t want any more homework.  I went to high school, college, two graduate schools, and even taught school!

“No more teachers,  no more books… Hey … Leave that Jill alone !”

Thank you Pink Floyd for writing a song about me …

But in all seriousness, I am doing a damn good job as their mom and I think they are already awesome (well on most days) and are going to be kick ass older girls and fabulous, strong women.  Forget research and projects, I think if I am supportive, interested, encouraging, kind, and of utmost importance, a strong, secure role model (working on that!) they will be just fine and if not, we will figure it out.

Enough of the melodrama mama ! I am over myself.  I was reading this article about Bethenny Frankel and what she had to say about her talk show being canceled… “I am relieved. What I really want right now is to be with my daughter, to do yoga, to focus on Skinnygirl and my writing, and to give myself a break. I have been striving and climbing and white-knuckling for so long that I need a rest from the grind. I’m a little over myself and wouldn’t blame anyone else for being over me as well.”

Well, I’m not exactly Bethenny but I kind of feel the same.

I need to keep this blog a little more fun…  “And scene” …the clouds are lifting, the grey and gloomy sky is being torn apart by a brilliant sun and Jill is rising up from the ground, “I can see clearly now the rain is gone…”

First off I have a new description for my blog:

The delicious, the joy, the tears, the fun, the funny, the creative, and the mess that goes along with being a Mom.  

Second of all, I need to keep the darkness out of this blog.  This was supposed to be fun.  I do struggle with food, body image issues, anxiety, and people pleasing (sounds like a typical woman these days, right? Except for those lucky few who don’t give a damn – you are truly blessed!  And I am certainly 100 times better today than I was in my twenties but I don’t want to blog about these weigh me down issues anymore, and quite frankly, who the hell would want to read about jumpy Jill and her junk in the trunk getting bigger and bigger, cookie by cookie, snack by snack!

Well, maybe some people would but I can’t do that to myself anymore. That’s not to say I’m never going to share that I just ate three slices of pizza for lunch ( this really happened today—and they were super old and not even good- what a waste but it still didn’t stop me…)it was an in the house all day, freezing temps outside, kids fighting every ten minutes, Arianna drawing all over the wall, long kind of day.  I kind of think today called for it?

As much as I want to stay free of ropes and chains, I do still have this desire to keep a few permanent posts sprinkled in between the daily grind so here’s what I came up with.  Not to worry, they are fun and lightheartedand and I hope I can stick to it!

Make it from your house Mondays – Cheap, interesting, convenient, and creative – find things in your house to use to make something

Funny Fridays-something funny that my own kids or someone else’s kids said or did, or perhaps, I’ll just find something funny to share, or maybe share something I said or did which usually isn’t funny per se- just embarassing and perhaps a bit ditzy!

The rest of the posts will be the usual baking and hopefully, more creative cooking in the future as well as the thoughts I have and the stories to tell.

Making Strides Mondays

On By JillIn Uncategorized1 Comment
Image
Powerful Shirt

I was pulling one of the new shirts off Gia’s hanger this morning and I noticed that the label inside said self esteem… hmm self esteem in a shirt, what a packaged deal, how convenient, I’ll just buy seven more of these shirts with this label in various colors – gosh, this parenting thing is going to be a piece of cake … “Can’t buy me looove, love, oh, money can’t buy me love…” but it will buy me self-esteem infused in a pastel pink baby doll frock…awesome-  that certainly saves me a lifetime of girly issues… envisioning Gia slipping on this shirt and transforming herself into a petite powerhouse…

An image of Gia standing tall in her preschool class- “What, friend X, you don’t want to be my friend, well, that’s ok” …as she thinks to herself  “Who cares, I am sweet and cute and you smell like smooshed cheerios and I know you’ll be my friend tomorrow!”

If only it was that easy, right? Unfortunately, high self esteem and great confidence cannot be bought but I do think that it is one of the most important things for a child to have so they can be happy, make wise choices, and be free of anxieties so they can study hard or pursue their dreams… I am certainly going to try my best to nurture a strong sense of self-esteem and confidence with my girls.

Today I am starting Making Strides Mondays…making strides towards raising confident girls- will post stories and thoughts geared towards feeling good and becoming strong.  I’ll throw in some stuff for us mommas too, I know that I can use a little boost of inspiration.

It’s really hard for me to write about good things or even talk about the amazing.  I seem to have the need to tell all the negative things I feel because somewhere deep inside, I have always felt that other people like me better when I am struggling – misery loves company right?- if you are pigging out, one often feels better doing it with a friend…I’ve certainly been there and I’m not saying this isn’t fun and sometimes needed – the vegging out and snacking with a good friend. We all need to let go from time to time…

My issue is the constant need to make someone feel better by joining in their misery or withholding my feelings.  Part of the reason I do this is because I have watched women gossip and exhibit jealous like behaviors towards attractive, wealthy, lucky women…and I must admit, I am guilty of this too, I have beautiful people in my life who are strong and happy and seem to be able to exhibit much self-control in diet world, or have the perfectly pressed outfit complete with accessories, and sometimes, I would rather not be in their company…much easier to hang with piggy in my sweats and munch on some fries… ( this is about no one in particular my fabulous friends!- just an example).

So I digress but back to the holding back my happiness thing-  It’s like I made it my life’s mission to never have someone be jealous of me or think that “I think who I am” kind of a thing  (an impossible goal, I know, it’s not like I have any control of what people think or what they’re going to say but I certainly tried!) It’s like I have been a chameleon, changing my colors to make others feel comfortable or making sure no one knows the truth about me.

This has been a wordy, perhaps confusing post but the point is I usually talk or write about the bumps in life and don’t share the happy blips so here’s one for today.

Today I feel amazingly loved.

In the past two days since I posted a heartfelt post called Let it Go,   https://thegirlyreports.wordpress.com/2014/03/01/let-it-go/

I have had such an outpouring of love and take my breath away words that I feel shocked and loved at the same time.

Gosh darn it, people love me. A little Stuart Smalley (SNL) anyone?

Let it Go

On By JillIn Uncategorized8 Comments

Beware readers, this is a little personal and raw, and not a funny post…also please no comments about feeling sorry for me and it will get better, I’m fine…I’m just figuring things out.

This morning, Gia came bounding in to our bedroom this morning blasting the lyrics to Let it Go, from Frozen and it was like God was intervening in my dreams last night and planned for me to hear this song on repeat today…

Last night I went to bed thinking about the blog that I posted two days ago, feeling like a kid who just struck out for the umpteenth time up at bat, reciting the things that I need to change in my life, the bad habits I have, the weaknesses I keep giving in to, and listing and outlining the promises and proclamations to cut out the cookies, complaining, drinking, and feel happier…

The sad fact is that this has actually been my train of thought for the past twenty two years, minus the wine (that started with children but I don’t think I’m alone there!)

Ever since I was 16 and I realized that I had these big hips and would always struggle with my weight, I went to sleep hating myself, judging myself, thinking of all the things I did incorrectly, from eating something fattening to not exercising enough, to not being organized enough, not studying enough, or not being assertive enough.  Obviously that’s an extremely shortened version of twenty two years of pain…but it’s true, I still go to bed to this day thinking about all of the things I do that are wrong or not good enough or how I could change…

change

That is the word that is ruining my life, I actually starting writing this blog thinking that I would change and be different, coming up with these awesome pages filled with colorful crafts, smiling faces, and awesome ideas, like one of those moms you see on daytime television promoting their books called “Stay at home Mom Survival Kit” or “Creative Momma Diva,” or something like that.

Nope- not me, not yet…I would have no right writing a book like that!

I have been too busy beating myself up- take yesterday, for example, I sent cookies over to my brother and was kicking myself because I forgot to add the frosting to make them cookie sandwiches,  I was angry that I made them in the first place, promising to quit baking tomorrow,  I must have looked in the mirror a dozen times and hated the overgrown roots, the expanded body, the swollen looking face, staring at the half put away laundry, the dirty floor, the lack of creativity with the girls on my part, among about a hundred other negative thoughts!

I told my friend at our play date yesterday that I am never baking again, and these kids are eating too many sweets.   She’s like, “Oh don’t worry about it- let them be kids.”

She’s so right, but she has no idea of my history- sorry Erin, you are certainly getting an earful today.

If anyone saw the thousands of text messages to my husband for the past six years, you would seriously call him and take him out for a drink or dinner because you probably would feel so bad for him…

“Tom, let’s get a pizza and champagne tonight because we totally need to celebrate the fact that I am never going to buy chocolate again.”

“Tom- I have totally figured out the secret to this- instead of spending money on trinkets and snacks, I am going to have a stack of index cards with awesome ideas and we’re going to do them every time the kids want a treat.”

“Tom- how about we ….”

“Tom, I’ve been thinking …”

“Tom, I’m going to start a journal and it will have all of these ideas of how to be an inspiration to the girls…”

You get the idea- She’s riding the crazy train, the train wreck is coming to town and she’s taking her family for a ride, or this wacky mommy has been drinking the Kool-Aid again…

I drive this man nuts, and probably my friends and family too with my all or nothing proclamations… I have spent the last twenty two years at odds with my body and fighting an even bigger war with food, hating myself, my choices, my all-consuming obsessions, my flakiness, my indecisiveness, my unassertiveness, my extreme and I mean extreme need to make everyone happy, petrified to have someone mad at me or annoyed with me.

I was a self-help book junkie for a while…

Seven Habits of Highly Effective People

Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives

Tuesdays with Morrie

Who Moved my Cheese

Any and every health and diet book possible in print and online

And you know what – FUCK THIS!

My Mom told me that I had permission to use this word…one of her strongest friends in the world, Sharon, who is now deceased told her it’s ok to say this in times of need so here it is…

Fuck these thoughts- Fuck feeling bad- And Fuck the need to change…

I need to let things go…just like the song- who knew a Disney Movie song could move me so much.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I36Qw86-UH8

These are the lyrics to Let it Go.  Click on the youtube link to listen- tell me you don’t get chills listening to this song?

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight,
not a footprint to be seen.
A kingdom of isolation and it looks like I’m the queen.
The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside.
Couldn’t keep it in, Heaven knows I tried.
Don’t let them in, don’t let them see.
Be the good girl you always have to be.
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know.
Well, now they know!

Let it go, let it go!
Can’t hold it back any more.
Let it go, let it go!
Turn away and slam the door.
I don’t care what they’re going to say.
Let the storm rage on.
The cold never bothered me anyway.

It’s funny how some distance,
makes everything seem small.
And the fears that once controlled me, can’t get to me at all
It’s time to see what I can do,
to test the limits and break through.
No right, no wrong, no rules for me.
I’m free!

Let it go, let it go.
I am one with the wind and sky.
Let it go, let it go.
You’ll never see me cry.
Here I’ll stand, and here I’ll stay.
Let the storm rage on.

My power flurries through the air into the ground.
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I’m never going back; the past is in the past!

Let it go, let it go.
And I’ll rise like the break of dawn.
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone
Here I stand, in the light of day.

Let the storm rage on!
The cold never bothered me anyway

I don’t want to go to bed anymore with the intention of going through my day like a checklist and reprimanding myself for the mistakes I made, all the while planning on a better tomorrow…Fuck that- ok last fuck, I swear!

I am Letting Go….

I came up with an acronym for the word TREAT since for the longest time, this word has been misused, abused, and thrown around like a hacky sack in my world.

The Webster’s definition of the word treat is   an event or item that is out of the ordinary and gives great pleasure. 

Whether it has been food or an event, treats in my life have not brought great pleasure- A donut, some ice cream, or sticky candy certainly brings an excited look to the girls, but great pleasure, not so much– I think they’re more happy when I play with them.

Therefore, here is my new mantra for the word TREAT.

T- Today is a new day. Touch your fingers to the sky, breathe deeply, exercise, eat an apple, try things, go places, create works of art, read, play, and dance.

R-Rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat – every day, fill your shampoo bottle with a mixture of a somewhat stable routine, somewhat healthy meals (just try your best- chicken nuggets with a side of strawberries, ok, at least it wasn’t Cheez its!), organization, calmness, hugs and kisses, activities, and downtime.

E-Express as little anger as possible to your children.  Anger is scary and creates a stressful, anxiety producing household.

A-Accept the good and the bad- the temper tantrums, the sibling fights (ugh!- that really gets under my skin) the vomit, the runny noses, the refusing to get dressed, the new attitude of my older daughter, as well as the cuddles and the hand in hand walking together, the being a normal tired, sometimes frazzled Mom, but mostly happy, and content to play with her kids mom.

T- Take yourself to bed, lie your head down and go to sleep- don’t judge yourself and what you did or didn’t do that day, it was just a day, maybe you succumbed to Wetzel pretzel again and maybe even spent 20 dollars at the dollar store and ordered take out again plus let the girls have candy on the couch…Does that really make you a weak momma or just a human momma?….Try your best but just go to bed, and treat yourself to the thought that you had another blessed day to be Mommy.