Sometimes I want to scream

On December 31, 2013 By JillIn Uncategorized3 Comments

This has been the absolute longest day! I haven’t left the house in two days and home with my two year old and four year old girls… I want to be honest here…I started a blog two days ago with the intention of writing about fabulous things but I have been on edge since I started this grandiose and ridiculous idea…

I think I just need to come to grips with the fact that I am an anxious, ruminating, stir crazy momma who struggles with non stop snacking when I am loosing it!

One half hour ago I was shoving cookies in my mouth because I am stuffing feelings perhaps… oh I’ve read all the books about emotional eating and apparently I’m self medicating! Yes, friends I am eating cookies because I thought that I could fly through these days being creative, fun, and stimulating to my children’s minds BUT!!! I got to about noon today and my mood just plummeted- these days are long and I just feel empty except for the millions of snacks I consumed today! ugh –

Quick background on me – I am 37, former teacher among other various professions – I worked with my first daughter and stayed home when I had the second so I’ve been home about two years now and let me tell you – it is tough!

I love my girls and they are so beautiful but I get so bored at home. I do play dates, baking, crafts, dance, gymnastics, story time, mall trips, icecream trips- you know the drill stay at home moms! I try to keep busy but sometimes I just want to scream!

the boredom, the monotonous day to day , the impossible shopping trips, the tantrums, the food issues…I feel so trapped sometimes.

Slowing Down

On December 30, 2013December 30, 2013 By JillIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

It’s the Monday after Christmas and I had absolutely nothing planned to do with the kids for today. This is uncomfortable for me. I find myself staring out the window, then glancing over at the girls, thinking to myself ,”what on Earth are we going to do? How am I going to get through this day? How am I going to straighten up, clean, and play with them in a fun and meaningful way? Why did I throw out all of my organized cards… What was I thinking trying to be this go with the flow, creative Mom. I AM NOT CREATIVE!! I feel boring and depleted! Darn – how am I going to write a really cool blog about being so new and changed and go with the flow. I’m already at a loss on day two!

Somehow the day got moving and I suggested that we decorate bags – just plain shopping bags with stickers and crayons and such.

Typically I try and get chores done while the girls are occupied but I just sat down with them and it was fun. I actually relaxed and felt a little bit creative for thinking of this. I am certainly not a pinterest, crafty diva- I’m just trying to enjoy this stay at home experience a little more.

Throwing out Perfection

On December 30, 2013January 10, 2014 By JillIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

I spent last night throwing colored index cards into the garbage can. These index cards contained my kids meals written out – all organized and planned, activity cards which were color coordinated with sit down activities, physical activities… You get the idea. I also threw away cans of frosting, chocolate chips and decorating icing! Is this woman insane???? I often ask that myself! The thing is I am exhausted and empty…. Trying to be a supermom who is super organized and happy! It’s a load of crap.

I am a 37 year old mother of two girls age 2 and 4 and while I am always busy and appear happy, I am often anxious and frustrated and not truly enjoying my stay at home mom experience. The truth is that no matter what I attempt to create or organize or plan, it doesn’t last very long… The enjoyment or the feeling of accomplishment. I threw away the chocolate chips and icing because I had them in the house from months of baking and baking and baking… Always having something made for a play group, my daughters party, and to bring to people’s houses. While I enjoy baking to an extent, it was taking time away from my children and not to mention I don’t think anyone would be sad if I just bought something. But it was just part of the perfect, happy package. This just doesn’t exist – at all. This is a fantasy, a picture in a magazine, Something on TV, and no matter what I’ve done, the dream or the plans never match whats going on in the real world- every day with my kids so from now on we are going to try and have more fun, less schedule, and no more lists!

Well, maybe just the grocery list.