Let it Go

On March 1, 2014March 1, 2014 By JillIn Uncategorized8 Comments

Beware readers, this is a little personal and raw, and not a funny post…also please no comments about feeling sorry for me and it will get better, I’m fine…I’m just figuring things out.

This morning, Gia came bounding in to our bedroom this morning blasting the lyrics to Let it Go, from Frozen and it was like God was intervening in my dreams last night and planned for me to hear this song on repeat today…

Last night I went to bed thinking about the blog that I posted two days ago, feeling like a kid who just struck out for the umpteenth time up at bat, reciting the things that I need to change in my life, the bad habits I have, the weaknesses I keep giving in to, and listing and outlining the promises and proclamations to cut out the cookies, complaining, drinking, and feel happier…

The sad fact is that this has actually been my train of thought for the past twenty two years, minus the wine (that started with children but I don’t think I’m alone there!)

Ever since I was 16 and I realized that I had these big hips and would always struggle with my weight, I went to sleep hating myself, judging myself, thinking of all the things I did incorrectly, from eating something fattening to not exercising enough, to not being organized enough, not studying enough, or not being assertive enough. Obviously that’s an extremely shortened version of twenty two years of pain…but it’s true, I still go to bed to this day thinking about all of the things I do that are wrong or not good enough or how I could change…

change

That is the word that is ruining my life, I actually starting writing this blog thinking that I would change and be different, coming up with these awesome pages filled with colorful crafts, smiling faces, and awesome ideas, like one of those moms you see on daytime television promoting their books called “Stay at home Mom Survival Kit” or “Creative Momma Diva,” or something like that.

Nope- not me, not yet…I would have no right writing a book like that!

I have been too busy beating myself up- take yesterday, for example, I sent cookies over to my brother and was kicking myself because I forgot to add the frosting to make them cookie sandwiches, I was angry that I made them in the first place, promising to quit baking tomorrow, I must have looked in the mirror a dozen times and hated the overgrown roots, the expanded body, the swollen looking face, staring at the half put away laundry, the dirty floor, the lack of creativity with the girls on my part, among about a hundred other negative thoughts!

I told my friend at our play date yesterday that I am never baking again, and these kids are eating too many sweets. She’s like, “Oh don’t worry about it- let them be kids.”

She’s so right, but she has no idea of my history- sorry Erin, you are certainly getting an earful today.

If anyone saw the thousands of text messages to my husband for the past six years, you would seriously call him and take him out for a drink or dinner because you probably would feel so bad for him…

“Tom, let’s get a pizza and champagne tonight because we totally need to celebrate the fact that I am never going to buy chocolate again.”

“Tom- I have totally figured out the secret to this- instead of spending money on trinkets and snacks, I am going to have a stack of index cards with awesome ideas and we’re going to do them every time the kids want a treat.”

“Tom- how about we ….”

“Tom, I’ve been thinking …”

“Tom, I’m going to start a journal and it will have all of these ideas of how to be an inspiration to the girls…”

You get the idea- She’s riding the crazy train, the train wreck is coming to town and she’s taking her family for a ride, or this wacky mommy has been drinking the Kool-Aid again…

I drive this man nuts, and probably my friends and family too with my all or nothing proclamations… I have spent the last twenty two years at odds with my body and fighting an even bigger war with food, hating myself, my choices, my all-consuming obsessions, my flakiness, my indecisiveness, my unassertiveness, my extreme and I mean extreme need to make everyone happy, petrified to have someone mad at me or annoyed with me.

I was a self-help book junkie for a while…

Seven Habits of Highly Effective People

Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives

Tuesdays with Morrie

Who Moved my Cheese

Any and every health and diet book possible in print and online

And you know what – FUCK THIS!

My Mom told me that I had permission to use this word…one of her strongest friends in the world, Sharon, who is now deceased told her it’s ok to say this in times of need so here it is…

Fuck these thoughts- Fuck feeling bad- And Fuck the need to change…

I need to let things go…just like the song- who knew a Disney Movie song could move me so much.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I36Qw86-UH8

These are the lyrics to Let it Go. Click on the youtube link to listen- tell me you don’t get chills listening to this song?

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight,
not a footprint to be seen.
A kingdom of isolation and it looks like I’m the queen.
The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside.
Couldn’t keep it in, Heaven knows I tried.
Don’t let them in, don’t let them see.
Be the good girl you always have to be.
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know.
Well, now they know!

Let it go, let it go!
Can’t hold it back any more.
Let it go, let it go!
Turn away and slam the door.
I don’t care what they’re going to say.
Let the storm rage on.
The cold never bothered me anyway.

It’s funny how some distance,
makes everything seem small.
And the fears that once controlled me, can’t get to me at all
It’s time to see what I can do,
to test the limits and break through.
No right, no wrong, no rules for me.
I’m free!

Let it go, let it go.
I am one with the wind and sky.
Let it go, let it go.
You’ll never see me cry.
Here I’ll stand, and here I’ll stay.
Let the storm rage on.

My power flurries through the air into the ground.
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I’m never going back; the past is in the past!

Let it go, let it go.
And I’ll rise like the break of dawn.
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone
Here I stand, in the light of day.

Let the storm rage on!
The cold never bothered me anyway

I don’t want to go to bed anymore with the intention of going through my day like a checklist and reprimanding myself for the mistakes I made, all the while planning on a better tomorrow…Fuck that- ok last fuck, I swear!

I am Letting Go….

I came up with an acronym for the word TREAT since for the longest time, this word has been misused, abused, and thrown around like a hacky sack in my world.

The Webster’s definition of the word treat is an event or item that is out of the ordinary and gives great pleasure.

Whether it has been food or an event, treats in my life have not brought great pleasure- A donut, some ice cream, or sticky candy certainly brings an excited look to the girls, but great pleasure, not so much– I think they’re more happy when I play with them.

Therefore, here is my new mantra for the word TREAT.

T- Today is a new day. Touch your fingers to the sky, breathe deeply, exercise, eat an apple, try things, go places, create works of art, read, play, and dance.

R-Rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat – every day, fill your shampoo bottle with a mixture of a somewhat stable routine, somewhat healthy meals (just try your best- chicken nuggets with a side of strawberries, ok, at least it wasn’t Cheez its!), organization, calmness, hugs and kisses, activities, and downtime.

E-Express as little anger as possible to your children. Anger is scary and creates a stressful, anxiety producing household.

A-Accept the good and the bad- the temper tantrums, the sibling fights (ugh!- that really gets under my skin) the vomit, the runny noses, the refusing to get dressed, the new attitude of my older daughter, as well as the cuddles and the hand in hand walking together, the being a normal tired, sometimes frazzled Mom, but mostly happy, and content to play with her kids mom.

T- Take yourself to bed, lie your head down and go to sleep- don’t judge yourself and what you did or didn’t do that day, it was just a day, maybe you succumbed to Wetzel pretzel again and maybe even spent 20 dollars at the dollar store and ordered take out again plus let the girls have candy on the couch…Does that really make you a weak momma or just a human momma?….Try your best but just go to bed, and treat yourself to the thought that you had another blessed day to be Mommy.

Cheez Its, Renovations, and Dark Under Eye Circles

On February 28, 2014 By JillIn Uncategorized3 Comments

Exactly one month ago, I received a text message from my contractor, “I’m coming tomorrow, starting at 8:30 am, ok?”

“Yes. Of course, ok,” I enthusiastically messaged back. We were having our guest powder room redone – most expenses paid from my parents and in laws. Awesome housewarming present! (Thank you so much!)

About six months ago, we thought our contractor was going to start, let’s call him big D, and we rushed out to purchase the vanity and toilet, picking it out and purchasing it in one day, the very same day that we bought a new car- How’s that for cramming it all in! Well, it was a mistake, and as much as my husband will try to convince me, you cannot pick out something major for your house in one clean sweep.

Fast forward to the present time, and Big D, puts in the vanity, which I hadn’t even thought about or re visited since it has been sitting in our garage for the past six months, and I hated it! Well, Big D was not happy and neither was I, which pretty much summed up how this past month went.

It has been one hell of a month, with a major snowstorm every week, school closings, delayed openings, freezing temperatures, stir crazy children, big D trying to complete this project which would have taken a week but took an entire month.

There were blips along the way like the awful vanity, which I will repeat, caused anger and frustration on his part and severe anxiety on my side…Picture my face, frozen in fear, white as a ghost when told I needed to get a new vanity in a day or two so he could continue his work. In a past life, that would have been an exciting adventure…latte in hand, gabbing to my Mom about ideas, (Mom has been in Florida on vacay for the past month so no help there), perhaps popping in to the nail salon for a little mani – pedi pick me up, meeting a friend for lunch, and browsing in stores to find the perfect vanity..

SCREEEEECH! Stop this fantasy right now- I don’t even think I ever even had that sort of an experience, and probably never will, well, not for at least twenty years!

So back to reality – as I look down at my grandma hands- yup, I’m only 37 but these hands look like they have been through the war..rough, red, wrinkly skin, sorry looking cuticles, and the nails actually look like they have had animals gnawing on them at night. These hands are truly a tragedy.

Right, so me and my sad hands had to corral the girls into the car, get on my way, and just start shopping. I forgot snacks, I forgot shoes for Arianna, and I forgot that I was a real person for the next two days. I felt like I lived in a car, in stores, and only ate Cheez Its. I cannot tell you how many Cheez Its we ate in the past month… Between my nervous munching and my desperate choice of lunches and dinner for these girls as we drudged along store after store, aisle after aisle, looking for items for this bathroom. I feel horrified thinking about what that yellow cheesy fakeness has done to our poor digestive systems!

There were many kind people along the way, the sales clerks who frantically tried to calm down my two year old during her temper tantrums and meltdowns about wanting a certain candy or wanting out of the shopping cart, the kind woman at a local plumbing store who let the little one run around her showcase without her shoes, leaving a trail of crumbs, while touching everything in sight, and the friends who listened to me moan and complain about what a hard time I have had this past month.

I did, finally, find a vanity that I liked, I found a mirror, a chandelier, and the bathroom is essentially done, minus a few personal touches like a window treatment, and hand towels, but it was certainly not easy.

Every time Big D was working, my little Arianna was screaming and crying bloody murder from every sound that he made with the power drill, his compressor, staple gun, hammering, and even his mere 6’ 5” presence, it truly has been an exhausting experience, a mom friend even said to me the other day, “You look so tired,” and another friend was like, “Oh Jill, you need a night out,” and another Mom was like, “Oh you just bring those girls over to me and we’ll have a glass of wine.” OK- stop right there- a glass of wine? This lady doesn’t really know me- It’s going to take a lot more than that!

I feel like there is so so much more to write about than just the bathroom getting redone… this past month, every day seemed exactly the same. Groundhog day over and over, same screaming, same routine, same guilty mommy with the snacking, and the lack of stimulating, fulfilling activities, same feelings every morning, I lie in bed thinking to myself – “Today, I am not going to lose my temper, today we will do fun things all day and I will get the laundry done and the maybe mop the floor, and we will start eating better.” Same complaints to hubs every night, same apologizing for takeout or a hodge podge of a dinner, same scenery outside, snow, clouds, gray, dismal sky, and the same Jill, yoga pants, tense, stuffing my face with Cheez Its (those crackers are like CRACK, I never had one in my life until this past year and holy hell, those things are the death of me and my ass! It keeps getting bigger and bigger and the only saving grace to this complete disaster is Kim Kardashian- thank you girl for making the junk in your trunk look fashionable! One part of my body I do not have to pay money for! (Now, picturing all of my readers wondering, hmm, what plastic surgery has this hot momma had- you can tell I’ve been boozing a bit when I start calling myself a hot momma- like my friend and I used to do in the bars in our twenties, ok, probably in our thirties too, after lots of wine…looking at ourselves in the mirror- “damn girlfriend, we are so hot!” wink, wink, remember those days Arianna- my friend, not my daughter )

So- the point is I just have not been in the mood the write this blog lately, but I miss writing, and a few people have said to me, “Hey, I haven’t seen a post in a while.” So here it is. I will try to write more and so what if life is boring and stress producing- it’s life, right? And at the end of the day, I have these amazing, spirited, awe inspiring, heartbreakingly adorable little girls to cuddle with…AND THAT THOUGHT JUST MAKES ME WANT TO GET INTO BED, PULL OVER THE COVERS, LIE MY HEAD DOWN ON MY PILLOW, SMILE, AND THINK HOW LUCKY I AM, and let’s be honest, sleep, sleep, sleep because sleep is amazing…

Five Thoughts about Mommy and Winter Days

On February 16, 2014February 16, 2014 By JillIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

1 We are saving money by not buying clothes.

My youngest daughter wants to wear jammies all day, every day. My oldest daughter likes to wear the same dress every day and since no ones sees us, it’s a win win! At least that’s what I tell myself when we stop at Dunkin Donuts, Panera, Target, and other places on the days we can leave the house! On that note, when I am able to get out of this prison, it does feel like a free for all- it’s like if you’ve been on a strict diet for months, avoiding carbs, sweets, and fried goodies, and then you have your first taste of french fries or a gooey, fudgy brownie with a decadent chocolate frosting – and all hell breaks lose…you started with just one bite and then suddenly the speed at which your forking food into your mouth starts rapidly increasing and you are shoving cookies and chips into your mouth at this point and basically in heaven, all the deprivation that you instilled on yourself melting away…

Oh, got a little carried away there with that description…it’s just I’ve been there done that with the diet/cutting out thing; granted, my quitting of foods whether it be sweets, bagels, snacks, or wine never lasts more than a week, or shamefully, less than a week, but still-when you feel trapped in any way, be it your house, your food restrictions, your ability to use your car (I HOPE THIS PROBLEM IS RESOLVED BY NEXT WEEK !) You can go hog wild when you’re free, but maybe that’s just me.

2 My kids now have no toys

It’s a bad habit I have, purging, cleaning, and throwing away toys, clothes, arts and crafts, you name it- I throw it out when feeling trapped and a slight loss of control.

My friend was here visiting the other day and said to me, “Where are all of the toys? It looks like you just moved in!”

Pitfalls to this habit…

“Mom, why is my pumkin project in the garbage can?”

“Mom- Mom, look what I found in the garbage- another princess toy! This is so cool-

someone is starting to leave us presents in the garbage can!

– “Playdate at Jill’s house …But Mommy- their house is no fun- they don’t have any

toys!”

– You have to be really creative when home all day with your kids…Hmmm, let’s see, what do we have to play with?- Dried macaroni and bowls- perfect!- “Come on girls- were pretending we’re cooks!”

3 Way, way too much eating/drinking

The very first flake graces the ground and I have the flour, the mixing bowl out, the oven on and I’m checking my wine supplies! (Which are becoming alarmingly low)

4 I have adopted a work uniform.

Much like people in jail wear their orange jumpsuit, nurses wear their scrubs, and police officers working for the good of the city, wear their big badges and buttons, I too, wear my black yoga pants, a tank, and a purple, velour, zip up hoody, sometimes I even wear the same thing to bed.

(I know what your thinking, that woman’s poor husband!) Actually, I have been called out by Gia- “Mom, your still in your pajamas!”)

I feel like being trapped in the house lends itself to a uniform- I am like the jailbird (enclosed in these walls), I am a nurse, tending to these girls all day, and definitely a cop, breaking up toddler fights, ensuring the little ones safety, and putting them in jail (time out) when need be.

5 I feel like I’m on a reality TV show

The premise: Stay at home mom never leaves the house, watch her turn tricks and see her roller coaster of emotions throughout the day… She goes from happy, loving mommy to crazed, frustrated, and on the verge of exploding, to looking like a zombie, or kind of blank feeling (i.e. staring out the window for long periods of time) to a compulsive cleaning freak to a laid back and loving the mess, to a snuggler and a cuddler to a GET AWAY FROM ME NOW to a “Let’s have sandwiches cut up in cute ways!” to a frustrated momma flinging food on the table to a Super Mom to Soggy Mom. ok, well, I don’t think I have ever been in the “super” category but soggy for sure, especially after I give the girls their third bath for the day- Hey, it’s an activity and I haven’t thrown out the bath tub – just the bath toys – but those get so gross, has anyone ever squeezed those plastic little duckies that should squirt water out only to find out that flakes of black mildew come shooting out? GROSS!

So that’s that the show folks and this TV show is for mature viewing audiences only.