Oh Pizza

“Ugh, I have such a headache…” I would moan to a college roommate as I made my way to the center of the apartment…suddenly going from feeling disgusting to punch drunk giddy talking about our antics of the night…Who slept over? Who slept out? Who made a fool of themselves?… And then …the dreaded question…

“Did we get Papa’s last night?”

Oh no…

“How much pizza did I eat? ”
Three pieces…

“Oh shit, not again, oh and breadsticks too- damn, I am never drinking again!”

Yea, that was probably par for the course back in the day, and unfortunately through my wild twenties as well…



And a few sizes bigger in my jeans too…

I was young and free and reckless.

But then I moved on in life, finally got married, and then had children…thinking that it would be so much easier to stay healthy and eat better without so many late night food situations…

And then came the toddler years…

“Oh want to have a play date, we’ll do pizza.”
“Come on over, we’ll just get a pizza – so easy with the kids, right?”
“Ugh, I’ve had the crappiest day, I’m just ordering a pizza.”
” My child won’t eat anything but pizza so that’s what we’re having.”
” Oh, look, another invitation for a birthday party – pizza and cake.” ( Not calling anyone out on this one- my daughter is having a birthday party in a couple of weeks and that’s what we’re serving)
“Let’s go out – I guess we’ll just get pizza- at least everyone likes it.”

Aghhh…when will I ever get away from pizza?
Not to mention…
Goldfish, donuts, ice cream, cookies, and CUPCAKES:)

And my weak self control….sigh

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“You can’t have it all”

Do you ever find yourself doing/saying things exactly like your parents? The tone of your voice… The things your mom did – putting soap in my little ones mouth – OMG did I really just do that to my child?

I think we all have slipped into our parents from time to time…but how about when we do things that you know they would disapprove of – it’s like you can just see their face looming over you like the great OZ…

Like tonight, when I was in the middle of a flurry of chaos as usual, making dinner for the girls, then the hubs – breakfast bar was tonight’s theme – WHAT THE HELL? Why is everything a theme with me lately- what is the point of themes? All I know is they are starting to cramp my style – I have pushed out any ounce of “me time,” with the exception of watching a terrible movie with Tom last night (The Internship – what a terrible/silly movie!)

On the subject of me time, that will be my top, second, um, maybe fourth priority, oh heck – I just need to fit it in there sometime… I JUST GET SO CARRIED AWAY with ideas…I mean Pinterest is enough to make my head spin, the swirling of ideas, paints, fluffies to glue, beads to string, butterflies to construct, treats to concoct…

Hickory Dickory Dock, the mouse ran up the clock.

I love ideas! I love to buy! I love to create!

And then the clock strikes one, and the mouse ran down again… Hickory Dickory Dock…

I am like a crazy little mouse running around but instead of gathering cheese, I am collecting glitter, frosting, and play dough…but it’s too much running.

OH SORRY, see, I am so distracted! I didn’t finish my thought about my parents – tonight I was making dinner, which the little ones finished! Hurray, egg and cheese sandwiches are going on the menu once a week!

As I was saying, I was in the middle of dinner, also doing a cute snack, ( I am so annoying!) plus getting things organized for tomorrow’s play date, oh and making hub’s dinner- yes, I am one of those making everyone something different… As you all shake your heads thinking …. Poor thing- she’s so naive.

AND, I looked around at remnants of food, fruit, half eaten snacks, and I JUST STARTED TO THROW AWAY… EVERYTHING ! And if my parents saw me, they would have had a heart attack. They save everything, well, it’s mostly my Dad, and I usually subscribe to their theory of “Waste not, want not” but not tonight – I just had to clean up the chaos and I seriously did not care if those un eaten graham cracker treats would be perfect for later or tomorrow.

Yup – the ideas and themes have gotten the best of me… Perhaps it’s because I have also thrown in baking for others, driving a bit of a distance to a chosen camp, dealing with kids who don’t nap, outings, and play dates (which I love- Meredith – I loved seeing you today and every fish cupcake was worth it to catch up – you are one of the most inspirational moms I know and your calmness and ability to do it all with three is amazing!)

So about these themes, which, might I add, no one is holding a gun to my head. I am just being Jill – I always want to do it all. I saw this quote by Jillian Michaels in a SELF magazine that I bought recently because I am in dire need of some fitness inspiration.

She said, on turning 40…”What I finally realized is that you can’t have it all.” Granted she was talking about accepting her body and that her but will never be what she wants it to be….

AND I CAN SO RELATE TO THAT!! Baby got back ova here! But, what I gleaned from that quote was that I can’t be doing all of this crafting and making sweets.

Everything costs money, extra time, my patience, among other slenderizing sacrifices ( a few handfuls of this, a taste of that, a spoonful of sweet bliss…what’s the saying…a moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips – damn!

I just don’t have a solution yet! I would just quit these summer themes, but Gia told me that she is having the best time, and is loving the themes. How do you say “no more” to that:(

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Let it Go

Beware readers, this is a little personal and raw, and not a funny post…also please no comments about feeling sorry for me and it will get better, I’m fine…I’m just figuring things out.

This morning, Gia came bounding in to our bedroom this morning blasting the lyrics to Let it Go, from Frozen and it was like God was intervening in my dreams last night and planned for me to hear this song on repeat today…

Last night I went to bed thinking about the blog that I posted two days ago, feeling like a kid who just struck out for the umpteenth time up at bat, reciting the things that I need to change in my life, the bad habits I have, the weaknesses I keep giving in to, and listing and outlining the promises and proclamations to cut out the cookies, complaining, drinking, and feel happier…

The sad fact is that this has actually been my train of thought for the past twenty two years, minus the wine (that started with children but I don’t think I’m alone there!)

Ever since I was 16 and I realized that I had these big hips and would always struggle with my weight, I went to sleep hating myself, judging myself, thinking of all the things I did incorrectly, from eating something fattening to not exercising enough, to not being organized enough, not studying enough, or not being assertive enough.  Obviously that’s an extremely shortened version of twenty two years of pain…but it’s true, I still go to bed to this day thinking about all of the things I do that are wrong or not good enough or how I could change…


That is the word that is ruining my life, I actually starting writing this blog thinking that I would change and be different, coming up with these awesome pages filled with colorful crafts, smiling faces, and awesome ideas, like one of those moms you see on daytime television promoting their books called “Stay at home Mom Survival Kit” or “Creative Momma Diva,” or something like that.

Nope- not me, not yet…I would have no right writing a book like that!

I have been too busy beating myself up- take yesterday, for example, I sent cookies over to my brother and was kicking myself because I forgot to add the frosting to make them cookie sandwiches,  I was angry that I made them in the first place, promising to quit baking tomorrow,  I must have looked in the mirror a dozen times and hated the overgrown roots, the expanded body, the swollen looking face, staring at the half put away laundry, the dirty floor, the lack of creativity with the girls on my part, among about a hundred other negative thoughts!

I told my friend at our play date yesterday that I am never baking again, and these kids are eating too many sweets.   She’s like, “Oh don’t worry about it- let them be kids.”

She’s so right, but she has no idea of my history- sorry Erin, you are certainly getting an earful today.

If anyone saw the thousands of text messages to my husband for the past six years, you would seriously call him and take him out for a drink or dinner because you probably would feel so bad for him…

“Tom, let’s get a pizza and champagne tonight because we totally need to celebrate the fact that I am never going to buy chocolate again.”

“Tom- I have totally figured out the secret to this- instead of spending money on trinkets and snacks, I am going to have a stack of index cards with awesome ideas and we’re going to do them every time the kids want a treat.”

“Tom- how about we ….”

“Tom, I’ve been thinking …”

“Tom, I’m going to start a journal and it will have all of these ideas of how to be an inspiration to the girls…”

You get the idea- She’s riding the crazy train, the train wreck is coming to town and she’s taking her family for a ride, or this wacky mommy has been drinking the Kool-Aid again…

I drive this man nuts, and probably my friends and family too with my all or nothing proclamations… I have spent the last twenty two years at odds with my body and fighting an even bigger war with food, hating myself, my choices, my all-consuming obsessions, my flakiness, my indecisiveness, my unassertiveness, my extreme and I mean extreme need to make everyone happy, petrified to have someone mad at me or annoyed with me.

I was a self-help book junkie for a while…

Seven Habits of Highly Effective People

Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives

Tuesdays with Morrie

Who Moved my Cheese

Any and every health and diet book possible in print and online

And you know what – FUCK THIS!

My Mom told me that I had permission to use this word…one of her strongest friends in the world, Sharon, who is now deceased told her it’s ok to say this in times of need so here it is…

Fuck these thoughts- Fuck feeling bad- And Fuck the need to change…

I need to let things go…just like the song- who knew a Disney Movie song could move me so much.


These are the lyrics to Let it Go.  Click on the youtube link to listen- tell me you don’t get chills listening to this song?

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight,
not a footprint to be seen.
A kingdom of isolation and it looks like I’m the queen.
The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside.
Couldn’t keep it in, Heaven knows I tried.
Don’t let them in, don’t let them see.
Be the good girl you always have to be.
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know.
Well, now they know!

Let it go, let it go!
Can’t hold it back any more.
Let it go, let it go!
Turn away and slam the door.
I don’t care what they’re going to say.
Let the storm rage on.
The cold never bothered me anyway.

It’s funny how some distance,
makes everything seem small.
And the fears that once controlled me, can’t get to me at all
It’s time to see what I can do,
to test the limits and break through.
No right, no wrong, no rules for me.
I’m free!

Let it go, let it go.
I am one with the wind and sky.
Let it go, let it go.
You’ll never see me cry.
Here I’ll stand, and here I’ll stay.
Let the storm rage on.

My power flurries through the air into the ground.
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I’m never going back; the past is in the past!

Let it go, let it go.
And I’ll rise like the break of dawn.
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone
Here I stand, in the light of day.

Let the storm rage on!
The cold never bothered me anyway

I don’t want to go to bed anymore with the intention of going through my day like a checklist and reprimanding myself for the mistakes I made, all the while planning on a better tomorrow…Fuck that- ok last fuck, I swear!

I am Letting Go….

I came up with an acronym for the word TREAT since for the longest time, this word has been misused, abused, and thrown around like a hacky sack in my world.

The Webster’s definition of the word treat is   an event or item that is out of the ordinary and gives great pleasure. 

Whether it has been food or an event, treats in my life have not brought great pleasure- A donut, some ice cream, or sticky candy certainly brings an excited look to the girls, but great pleasure, not so much– I think they’re more happy when I play with them.

Therefore, here is my new mantra for the word TREAT.

T- Today is a new day. Touch your fingers to the sky, breathe deeply, exercise, eat an apple, try things, go places, create works of art, read, play, and dance.

R-Rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat – every day, fill your shampoo bottle with a mixture of a somewhat stable routine, somewhat healthy meals (just try your best- chicken nuggets with a side of strawberries, ok, at least it wasn’t Cheez its!), organization, calmness, hugs and kisses, activities, and downtime.

E-Express as little anger as possible to your children.  Anger is scary and creates a stressful, anxiety producing household.

A-Accept the good and the bad- the temper tantrums, the sibling fights (ugh!- that really gets under my skin) the vomit, the runny noses, the refusing to get dressed, the new attitude of my older daughter, as well as the cuddles and the hand in hand walking together, the being a normal tired, sometimes frazzled Mom, but mostly happy, and content to play with her kids mom.

T- Take yourself to bed, lie your head down and go to sleep- don’t judge yourself and what you did or didn’t do that day, it was just a day, maybe you succumbed to Wetzel pretzel again and maybe even spent 20 dollars at the dollar store and ordered take out again plus let the girls have candy on the couch…Does that really make you a weak momma or just a human momma?….Try your best but just go to bed, and treat yourself to the thought that you had another blessed day to be Mommy.