Hiding Out


Yup, she’s in the dryer again. 

After enduring thirty minutes of bloodcurdling screaming on the car ride home, including the embarrassing stop at the gas station where the shocked attendant peered in my car in horror as Arianna rolled down her window and continued to cry.  She didn’t even stop wailing after we pulled into the garage, well after Gia and I were back in our warm house. 

Yes – I just left her out there, I figured she would see the desolate four concrete walls, the mess of boxes and old/ dirty toys and random items scattered about so haphazardly that the scene would inspire an episode of Hoarders, and make a run for it, plus, it was freezing out!

She had been worked up, wanting to buckle herself in her car seat – I simply had no time for the usual “do it self” routine that takes forever! Ok not forever, but I am not a patient momma! Definitely trying to work on that …practicing my breathing and self-created mantra- um, uuuum, uuuuum, caalllm mommmy, caaaalm mommy…sounds pretty leveling doesn’t it?  Except that the mantra often is attempted while Gia continues with non-stop chatter.  She does NOT STOP for a breath when trying to get one’s attention.

“Mommy, look at me.  I have no arms. Mommy, look, I have no arms. Where did they go? I have no arms…” and on and on and on…

I say, “Oh my goodness, where did they go? Did someone chop them off?” Pretending I couldn’t see that they were in her shirt.

She laughs and continues to repeat the same thing, and I sound like a dodo head saying the exact response over and over…this kind of thing happens like clockwork around here!

So I am at times repeating my innovative mantra created to instill a calm disposition… a relaxed momma, while the older child repeats things or asks for things, “Can I have a donut? Can I have a donut? Can we please get a donut?” This coupled with “ahhhhh, scream, scream. Scream…do it self, do it self,” all while tears are streaming down her beat red face.  Then there’s me, “uuuuummm, caaaalm momma….breath in, breath out…”

OH HELL, where’s my dryer to hide in!

Oh wait, it’s Friday, early happy hour —yay! I can extol my joy for alcohol today and not feel shameful because it’s Friday! Only people with problems drink during the week, right? Oh, I mean only people with small children drink during the week- well, that’s me so …hmmm, oh whatever- it’s Friday- cheers!

Just to clarify, I am not a complete impatient tyrant or alcoholic.  It was already a long morning.  It was hectic, complete with hiding behind couches and not wanting to get ready, we made muffins, had a play date with friends, and I was anxious to have a breather after the visit at my brother’s. – I mean she almost had five near death situations as she showed off her new twirling moves to my Mom, who was also there.

There is a reason why my home looks like a house of solitary confinement- furniture is dangerous…at least that’s what I tell the guests who walk in our empty foyer.

“Oh did you guys just move in?”   

“No, we’re just trying to prevent a few trips to the emergency room!”

To conclude this saga, Arianna finally came in from the garage and went to her happy place, the dryer.  I let her stay there for a while and then she was lured out with a promise of ice cream…yea, kind of an off week with eating- too many snacks and unplanned meals and I don’t even have that great of an excuse…and believe me, I have an arsenal of them…just take a look at my husband’s text message history…