Open the drapes and let the sunlight in ….on this blog

So I did it again, I said I was going to let go but I created more work for myself, more pressure on me to come up with a weekly posting on a Monday to improve self-esteem for girls… I woke up feeling weighted down once again… Because I created another job for myself when I already am doing one of the hardest jobs around… Being a parent and stay at home mom…

86 that idea people! I know it’s mainly my friends and family reading this blog so I’m sure you’ll understand! I don’t want any more homework.  I went to high school, college, two graduate schools, and even taught school!

“No more teachers,  no more books… Hey … Leave that Jill alone !”

Thank you Pink Floyd for writing a song about me …

But in all seriousness, I am doing a damn good job as their mom and I think they are already awesome (well on most days) and are going to be kick ass older girls and fabulous, strong women.  Forget research and projects, I think if I am supportive, interested, encouraging, kind, and of utmost importance, a strong, secure role model (working on that!) they will be just fine and if not, we will figure it out.

Enough of the melodrama mama ! I am over myself.  I was reading this article about Bethenny Frankel and what she had to say about her talk show being canceled… “I am relieved. What I really want right now is to be with my daughter, to do yoga, to focus on Skinnygirl and my writing, and to give myself a break. I have been striving and climbing and white-knuckling for so long that I need a rest from the grind. I’m a little over myself and wouldn’t blame anyone else for being over me as well.”

Well, I’m not exactly Bethenny but I kind of feel the same.

I need to keep this blog a little more fun…  “And scene” …the clouds are lifting, the grey and gloomy sky is being torn apart by a brilliant sun and Jill is rising up from the ground, “I can see clearly now the rain is gone…”

First off I have a new description for my blog:

The delicious, the joy, the tears, the fun, the funny, the creative, and the mess that goes along with being a Mom.  

Second of all, I need to keep the darkness out of this blog.  This was supposed to be fun.  I do struggle with food, body image issues, anxiety, and people pleasing (sounds like a typical woman these days, right? Except for those lucky few who don’t give a damn – you are truly blessed!  And I am certainly 100 times better today than I was in my twenties but I don’t want to blog about these weigh me down issues anymore, and quite frankly, who the hell would want to read about jumpy Jill and her junk in the trunk getting bigger and bigger, cookie by cookie, snack by snack!

Well, maybe some people would but I can’t do that to myself anymore. That’s not to say I’m never going to share that I just ate three slices of pizza for lunch ( this really happened today—and they were super old and not even good- what a waste but it still didn’t stop me…)it was an in the house all day, freezing temps outside, kids fighting every ten minutes, Arianna drawing all over the wall, long kind of day.  I kind of think today called for it?

As much as I want to stay free of ropes and chains, I do still have this desire to keep a few permanent posts sprinkled in between the daily grind so here’s what I came up with.  Not to worry, they are fun and lightheartedand and I hope I can stick to it!

Make it from your house MondaysCheap, interesting, convenient, and creative – find things in your house to use to make something

Funny Fridays-something funny that my own kids or someone else’s kids said or did, or perhaps, I’ll just find something funny to share, or maybe share something I said or did which usually isn’t funny per se- just embarassing and perhaps a bit ditzy!

The rest of the posts will be the usual baking and hopefully, more creative cooking in the future as well as the thoughts I have and the stories to tell.

Making Strides Mondays

Powerful Shirt

I was pulling one of the new shirts off Gia’s hanger this morning and I noticed that the label inside said self esteem… hmm self esteem in a shirt, what a packaged deal, how convenient, I’ll just buy seven more of these shirts with this label in various colors – gosh, this parenting thing is going to be a piece of cake … “Can’t buy me looove, love, oh, money can’t buy me love…” but it will buy me self-esteem infused in a pastel pink baby doll frock…awesome-  that certainly saves me a lifetime of girly issues… envisioning Gia slipping on this shirt and transforming herself into a petite powerhouse…

An image of Gia standing tall in her preschool class- “What, friend X, you don’t want to be my friend, well, that’s ok” …as she thinks to herself  “Who cares, I am sweet and cute and you smell like smooshed cheerios and I know you’ll be my friend tomorrow!”

If only it was that easy, right? Unfortunately, high self esteem and great confidence cannot be bought but I do think that it is one of the most important things for a child to have so they can be happy, make wise choices, and be free of anxieties so they can study hard or pursue their dreams… I am certainly going to try my best to nurture a strong sense of self-esteem and confidence with my girls.

Today I am starting Making Strides Mondays…making strides towards raising confident girls- will post stories and thoughts geared towards feeling good and becoming strong.  I’ll throw in some stuff for us mommas too, I know that I can use a little boost of inspiration.

It’s really hard for me to write about good things or even talk about the amazing.  I seem to have the need to tell all the negative things I feel because somewhere deep inside, I have always felt that other people like me better when I am struggling – misery loves company right?- if you are pigging out, one often feels better doing it with a friend…I’ve certainly been there and I’m not saying this isn’t fun and sometimes needed – the vegging out and snacking with a good friend. We all need to let go from time to time…

My issue is the constant need to make someone feel better by joining in their misery or withholding my feelings.  Part of the reason I do this is because I have watched women gossip and exhibit jealous like behaviors towards attractive, wealthy, lucky women…and I must admit, I am guilty of this too, I have beautiful people in my life who are strong and happy and seem to be able to exhibit much self-control in diet world, or have the perfectly pressed outfit complete with accessories, and sometimes, I would rather not be in their company…much easier to hang with piggy in my sweats and munch on some fries… ( this is about no one in particular my fabulous friends!- just an example).

So I digress but back to the holding back my happiness thing-  It’s like I made it my life’s mission to never have someone be jealous of me or think that “I think who I am” kind of a thing  (an impossible goal, I know, it’s not like I have any control of what people think or what they’re going to say but I certainly tried!) It’s like I have been a chameleon, changing my colors to make others feel comfortable or making sure no one knows the truth about me.

This has been a wordy, perhaps confusing post but the point is I usually talk or write about the bumps in life and don’t share the happy blips so here’s one for today.

Today I feel amazingly loved.

In the past two days since I posted a heartfelt post called Let it Go,

I have had such an outpouring of love and take my breath away words that I feel shocked and loved at the same time.

Gosh darn it, people love me. A little Stuart Smalley (SNL) anyone?

Belly Laughs

After lunch today, G, lifted up her shirt and showed me her belly. “Look Mommy how big it is,” she exclaimed with a big smile and excitement in her eyes…

“Wow,” I said. “That’s great,” I smiled and said…as a vision of me whipping out my stomach during dinner popped into my head.     

“Hey, guys, look at how big my stomach is!” I would have exclaimed.

Would the dinner company stare in awe and jealousy, murmuring to themselves…gee, How did she get that awesome body?…What diet is she on?…

Laughing to myself, picturing high fives all around the table- “Awesome – keep up the good work Jill- What’s your secret?”

Yea right- on what planet would that ever occur? It was a funny vision but it did make me think.

That would be amazing on two levels – one that being a little heavier was something to strive for.  No diets, scary scales, and endless books, commercials, and magazines devoted to losing weight.  No guilt when having the bread, finishing your plate, and ordering dessert – make that a la mode please!

One another level, the fact that a girl or woman could be so comfortable with her less than perfect body that she could just show it off with a giggle, or a smile, and then move on and have a fun day or night…  sounds so nice, cheerful, and easy breezy doesn’t it?

Unfortunately, that will probably never be the case, especially not here in America where people are obsessed with weight, dieting, and their appearance.  The environment that I will be raising my precious, beautiful girls will be a harsh one, with Victoria Secret commercials, fashion magazines, and television shows with girls with skinny minny bodies, big boobs, and cosmetically enhanced fakeness.  We as Moms know that this perfection doesn’t exist but young, impressionable girls don’t – and its up to us to raise confident, happy, goal driven children and by goals I do not mean a goal weight!

I am going to add a page to my blog entitled Sunshine and Strength where I can list ideas to help raise confident, happy, and smart girls.

As for now, the girls and I are going to munch on some leftover cookies, cuddle under a blanket (it’s a dreary, rainy day – perfect for reading books and relaxing), and enjoy the rest of the day.