Eating Nonsense

On July 10, 2014July 10, 2014 By JillIn Mommy Musings, What's Going On?4 Comments

Dealing with the dervish…

“Vroom…vroom…there she goes, like a whirling dervish…” my husband used to say to me when I would get caught in an obsessive spinning cycle…

It’s not like I literally spun around the house like a spider on crack but I just tend to get obsessive about things (yes, broken record here…Jill is obsessive) don’t worry this isn’t going to be one of those annoying posts where I am not writing anymore or not baking anymore…I promised a month ago I wouldn’t post about writing or not writing and I stuck to it.

I wrote about not baking anymore and I am not sticking to that! Of course I will bake again. I don’t care. I am done, done, done with any more posts, thoughts, ideas about quitting anything…here I am on vacation, away from every day life, and just realizing how stupid and nonsensical those thoughts were…there is so much going on in the world, and since we are away I have had more time to watch the news in the morning and see what’s really important, to laugh with my family, and to have fun…

Taking a break from the pool!

We are so cute!

Seeing these girls having so much fun at the boardwalk was heart warming…and the night was complete with pizza, hot dogs, cotton candy, and fried Reese’s peanut butter cup, fried cookie dough, and a fried Twix.
We are having the best time. I have fallen in love with my friend’s family. They are so funny, caring, and loving, it has been the best time…my only regret, not bringing them my cookies which they love. Live and learn.

Being away from everything, and relaxing at the beach has given me time to reflect…this past year I have enjoyed starting this blog but sometimes I write about stuff that is simply “time wasting,” as my Mom would say…spending time thinking about food and what we’re going to eat or not eat… Writing about my worries…Perhaps a minuscule part of life, but post worthy- not so much…Do I want to pig out every day and become a big fat cow, um no…Does anyone? But enough with the quitting sugar, low carb, no more baking crappola. Please bop me on the head if I ever mention this again and stick a newspaper in front of my face…there’s so much more to life…not to mention the fudge that I plan on buying on the boardwalk before we leave.

PLEASE CLICK ON THE TOP MOMMY BLOG BANNER RIGHT AFTER THIS POST, I just added my blog to this top mommy blog site…just kind of trying it out and you get ranked by how many clicks you get a day… So click away- every time you read or if you love me, every day:) sorry to be annoying, just trying something new.

Mother’s Day Thoughts

On May 11, 2014May 11, 2014 By JillIn Mommy Musings, Uncategorized, What's Going On?5 Comments

She kissed your boo boos, packed your lunches, took you shopping for your first day of school outfit… All the typical mommy ish things we think about when we say the word mommy.

Moms are great, moms take care of you, feed you, take you places, and cheer for you on the sidelines, but the emotional connection is far greater than making lunch and baking cookies. A mother is one of, quite possibly, the most influential person in a child’s life.

My daughter is only four but she came home from school a few weeks ago so upset that a boy did not like her. She was crestfallen, head slumped over, nothing like the usual Gia that I pick up from school, big smile, giddy with excitement and eager to show me her work. I realized, then and there, that she is going to need me for a very long time, for support, a listening ear and an open heart, or for right now, simply a lap to snuggle up in and hide from the world for a bit.

I talked to her about this boy and a few reasons why he wasn’t interested (Good Lord , she’s four!) and it’s amazing how you are just thrown into this and suddenly the things you say are probably going to impact her for a long time, possibly a lifetime? Not sure about this, none of us can be sure …but definitely, for a large part of her life.

I hope to God that the words from my mouth mean something to her, resonate with her, and if need be, change her outlook on sad or frustrating situations, or cause her to appreciate her beautiful self.

Lately, she has been looking at herself in the mirror, a lot, and I watch her smiling, twirling, laughing, and making funny faces…and a torrent of emotions hits me like a crashing wave…
Will she always be so happy with herself? Maybe, maybe not. Will she always be completely carefree and silly? Most likely, there will be a sprinkling of sad days and disappointments. Will she look at herself and wish she could change something about herself? Perhaps, because sadly, we live in an appearance obsessed society.

It’s my job to make her feel beautiful, worthy, and valued as a girl, teenager, and strong woman… But it begins now…every day, by paying attention, creating meaningful moments, and encouraging her to love herself, express herself, to not give up, and mostly to be a role model.

I am indeed a “work in progress” but I am striving to be the woman that I want her to look up to – strong, fearless, kind, calm, assertive, self sufficient, secure, confident, and above all, happy. Looks like I have my work cut out for me!

With that being said, I would like to share some of my friends’ comments and thoughts about their mothers.

“It means the world to me that I have a mom that I can call a friend. Any problems that come my way or funny stories that happened with me, the kids, etc… I can go to her and tell her knowing she’ll gladly listen & offer advice if that’s what I need. A time she was really there for me was after losing Kylee. After sitting home with Jim for a week only leaving the house to get cookies & sandwiches from our favorite bakery, Jim had to get back to work & a routine. I was not ready for some time to return to work. I had visits from family & friends but that was not everyday but it was mom who was there to keep me busy & my mind off of not having Kylee. She is my favorite shopping partner & we did alot of shopping…lol. She would take the 45 min drive out to me (or I would go by her occasionally for change of scenery). She took the time out of her daily routines to be with me. We have had terrific family vacations together with so many laughs & those memories & stories will stick with me forever.”

“My mom is wonderful because she’s caring, loving, always there when I need her, and will do anything for anyone. She is just the best mom!!!”

“I decided to separate from hubby #1 during the fall, which is my favorite time of year. Leaves were falling and so was my world. I was so crushed. I remember telling my mom that the hardest part of the whole thing was that I was afraid the experience was going to ruin my favorite time of year and that I would never welcome the fall season the same way again. The following year, when I bought a new townhouse and was starting to get back on my feet after the whole ordeal my mom sent me a huge care package of all things fall: new candles, new front door wreath, funky fall decorations, new scarves, etc. I remember the card said something like, “Things change, but you remain the same.” Now I love the fall season even more because instead of reminding me of that dark period of my life, it reminds of everything I have, including the love of my mom. Moral of the story: Moms know exactly what you need and when you need it.”

“One thought I had today was that I usually feel lonely and don’t have any friends to hang out with (like to grab a cup of coffee or shop with), but my mom has always been there for me. A couple of weeks ago, she gave a me a kitchen towel that says, “A daughter is just a little girl who grows up to be your best friend.” I hope Izzy feels the same about me when she’s older.”

“Happy Mother’s Day to my mom. No matter what or how far – you are always there. There is not a day I don’t wish we lived closer.
Thank you for all you do for me and our family – you are an amazing mom, grandma and friend xoxo”

“My Mom is quite simply, the woman I aspire to be. She is kind, generous, thoughtful, funny, and always picks up the phone when I call, or calls right back, watches my children when I need help, never complains, and I love this woman to the moon and back.”

“To be at my childhood home, on my Mom’s couch, is pure heaven. To feel her comforting hugs, see her gentle, kind eyes, and feel relaxed, free, like she can take the weight off my shoulders ….that is what I think of when I think of Mom.”

This picture was sent from a friend and says that she can add so much more to this description and even that wouldn’t even be enough to describe her mom….

AND, the last and final thoughts are for my Mom…

You read all my posts.
You always pick up the phone.
You listen to me to infinity and beyond.
You have taught me not to settle, to go after what I want, to make decisions that are good for me.
You picked me off the floor, at a time when I didn’t care if I ever saw the sun again.
You buy me jewelry.
You buy me an awesome bag every year on my birthday:)
You help with the kids when your in Jersey…when Dad hasn’t booked you on a cruise, a second cruise, another cruise, an African Safari, Atlantic City Blackjack tournament, or stashed you away in sunny Florida for months at a time…
You inspire me to be strong, assertive, and to not give a damn what other people think.
You encourage me to embrace myself, look my best, to buy nice things to wear, and to feel good about me.
You are beautiful, giving, and worthy of all you have and more.

Let it Go

On March 1, 2014March 1, 2014 By JillIn Uncategorized8 Comments

Beware readers, this is a little personal and raw, and not a funny post…also please no comments about feeling sorry for me and it will get better, I’m fine…I’m just figuring things out.

This morning, Gia came bounding in to our bedroom this morning blasting the lyrics to Let it Go, from Frozen and it was like God was intervening in my dreams last night and planned for me to hear this song on repeat today…

Last night I went to bed thinking about the blog that I posted two days ago, feeling like a kid who just struck out for the umpteenth time up at bat, reciting the things that I need to change in my life, the bad habits I have, the weaknesses I keep giving in to, and listing and outlining the promises and proclamations to cut out the cookies, complaining, drinking, and feel happier…

The sad fact is that this has actually been my train of thought for the past twenty two years, minus the wine (that started with children but I don’t think I’m alone there!)

Ever since I was 16 and I realized that I had these big hips and would always struggle with my weight, I went to sleep hating myself, judging myself, thinking of all the things I did incorrectly, from eating something fattening to not exercising enough, to not being organized enough, not studying enough, or not being assertive enough. Obviously that’s an extremely shortened version of twenty two years of pain…but it’s true, I still go to bed to this day thinking about all of the things I do that are wrong or not good enough or how I could change…

change

That is the word that is ruining my life, I actually starting writing this blog thinking that I would change and be different, coming up with these awesome pages filled with colorful crafts, smiling faces, and awesome ideas, like one of those moms you see on daytime television promoting their books called “Stay at home Mom Survival Kit” or “Creative Momma Diva,” or something like that.

Nope- not me, not yet…I would have no right writing a book like that!

I have been too busy beating myself up- take yesterday, for example, I sent cookies over to my brother and was kicking myself because I forgot to add the frosting to make them cookie sandwiches, I was angry that I made them in the first place, promising to quit baking tomorrow, I must have looked in the mirror a dozen times and hated the overgrown roots, the expanded body, the swollen looking face, staring at the half put away laundry, the dirty floor, the lack of creativity with the girls on my part, among about a hundred other negative thoughts!

I told my friend at our play date yesterday that I am never baking again, and these kids are eating too many sweets. She’s like, “Oh don’t worry about it- let them be kids.”

She’s so right, but she has no idea of my history- sorry Erin, you are certainly getting an earful today.

If anyone saw the thousands of text messages to my husband for the past six years, you would seriously call him and take him out for a drink or dinner because you probably would feel so bad for him…

“Tom, let’s get a pizza and champagne tonight because we totally need to celebrate the fact that I am never going to buy chocolate again.”

“Tom- I have totally figured out the secret to this- instead of spending money on trinkets and snacks, I am going to have a stack of index cards with awesome ideas and we’re going to do them every time the kids want a treat.”

“Tom- how about we ….”

“Tom, I’ve been thinking …”

“Tom, I’m going to start a journal and it will have all of these ideas of how to be an inspiration to the girls…”

You get the idea- She’s riding the crazy train, the train wreck is coming to town and she’s taking her family for a ride, or this wacky mommy has been drinking the Kool-Aid again…

I drive this man nuts, and probably my friends and family too with my all or nothing proclamations… I have spent the last twenty two years at odds with my body and fighting an even bigger war with food, hating myself, my choices, my all-consuming obsessions, my flakiness, my indecisiveness, my unassertiveness, my extreme and I mean extreme need to make everyone happy, petrified to have someone mad at me or annoyed with me.

I was a self-help book junkie for a while…

Seven Habits of Highly Effective People

Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives

Tuesdays with Morrie

Who Moved my Cheese

Any and every health and diet book possible in print and online

And you know what – FUCK THIS!

My Mom told me that I had permission to use this word…one of her strongest friends in the world, Sharon, who is now deceased told her it’s ok to say this in times of need so here it is…

Fuck these thoughts- Fuck feeling bad- And Fuck the need to change…

I need to let things go…just like the song- who knew a Disney Movie song could move me so much.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I36Qw86-UH8

These are the lyrics to Let it Go. Click on the youtube link to listen- tell me you don’t get chills listening to this song?

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight,
not a footprint to be seen.
A kingdom of isolation and it looks like I’m the queen.
The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside.
Couldn’t keep it in, Heaven knows I tried.
Don’t let them in, don’t let them see.
Be the good girl you always have to be.
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know.
Well, now they know!

Let it go, let it go!
Can’t hold it back any more.
Let it go, let it go!
Turn away and slam the door.
I don’t care what they’re going to say.
Let the storm rage on.
The cold never bothered me anyway.

It’s funny how some distance,
makes everything seem small.
And the fears that once controlled me, can’t get to me at all
It’s time to see what I can do,
to test the limits and break through.
No right, no wrong, no rules for me.
I’m free!

Let it go, let it go.
I am one with the wind and sky.
Let it go, let it go.
You’ll never see me cry.
Here I’ll stand, and here I’ll stay.
Let the storm rage on.

My power flurries through the air into the ground.
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I’m never going back; the past is in the past!

Let it go, let it go.
And I’ll rise like the break of dawn.
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone
Here I stand, in the light of day.

Let the storm rage on!
The cold never bothered me anyway

I don’t want to go to bed anymore with the intention of going through my day like a checklist and reprimanding myself for the mistakes I made, all the while planning on a better tomorrow…Fuck that- ok last fuck, I swear!

I am Letting Go….

I came up with an acronym for the word TREAT since for the longest time, this word has been misused, abused, and thrown around like a hacky sack in my world.

The Webster’s definition of the word treat is an event or item that is out of the ordinary and gives great pleasure.

Whether it has been food or an event, treats in my life have not brought great pleasure- A donut, some ice cream, or sticky candy certainly brings an excited look to the girls, but great pleasure, not so much– I think they’re more happy when I play with them.

Therefore, here is my new mantra for the word TREAT.

T- Today is a new day. Touch your fingers to the sky, breathe deeply, exercise, eat an apple, try things, go places, create works of art, read, play, and dance.

R-Rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat – every day, fill your shampoo bottle with a mixture of a somewhat stable routine, somewhat healthy meals (just try your best- chicken nuggets with a side of strawberries, ok, at least it wasn’t Cheez its!), organization, calmness, hugs and kisses, activities, and downtime.

E-Express as little anger as possible to your children. Anger is scary and creates a stressful, anxiety producing household.

A-Accept the good and the bad- the temper tantrums, the sibling fights (ugh!- that really gets under my skin) the vomit, the runny noses, the refusing to get dressed, the new attitude of my older daughter, as well as the cuddles and the hand in hand walking together, the being a normal tired, sometimes frazzled Mom, but mostly happy, and content to play with her kids mom.

T- Take yourself to bed, lie your head down and go to sleep- don’t judge yourself and what you did or didn’t do that day, it was just a day, maybe you succumbed to Wetzel pretzel again and maybe even spent 20 dollars at the dollar store and ordered take out again plus let the girls have candy on the couch…Does that really make you a weak momma or just a human momma?….Try your best but just go to bed, and treat yourself to the thought that you had another blessed day to be Mommy.