Not Coping and Society’s Role

On April 6, 2014 By JillIn Uncategorized5 Comments

Last night I looked at comments on my post and one family member mentioned the word coping. Hmmm, coping, I know what that is- I cope, I guess, well, actually, maybe not so much, not really sure, so I looked it up. After reading the definition, I don’t think I cope at all.

The definition of coping is to face and deal with responsibilities, problems, or difficulties, especially successfully or in a calm or adequate manner.

I’ve never been a good coper (is that a word?) I’ve been a good faker though, always smiling. My mind is usually in constant turmoil, coming up with endless ideas of how I can feel better or what I can I figure out to make situations better. I google topics, write in my journal, and have read tons of those dang self-help books!

Perhaps starting this blog has been a learning lesson for me, I have been writing for three months straight and realize that I do have a bit of a problem, and so do all 300 + readers. My problem is obsessive thinking and planning and then never starting. If something small throws me, I quit. That darn all or nothing thinking again. I lack coping skills in the regular hiccups of life. I have an advanced degree in motivation (rah, rah, ree ree…let’s make everything from scratch and be happy!) But I fail in the execution.

Why am I like this?

Perhaps this is society’s fault!

Before you call Dr. Phil and have me cast on the show entitled – ‘Woman blames the World-Needs to Accept Responsibility for Herself,’ let me explain.

I am not throwing in the towel, going to jump in front of a train, and let my husband deal with it all…I just realized that everywhere, we are bombarded with messages that are cure all’s- rules and prescriptions for success. Just google happy parent and see what you get.

Find Your Happy Parent Place If you follow these six simple mantras, you’ll have a lot more fun…SOUNDS ALLURING DOESN’T IT? AREN’T YOU JUST ITCHING TO FIND OUT.

How to Be a Happy Parent – A Parenting Plan for Happiness – OH MY GOODNESS- I NEED TO READ THIS NOW!

Happy Parents, Happy Kids: Tips to Strengthen Your Marriage– AWESOME! I CANNOT WAIT TO READ THIS ONE AND FIGURE OUT HOW TO MAKE US THE HAPPEST COUPLE EVER.

5 Secrets of Super-Happy Parents With Well-Behaved Kids– UM, THIS ONE SOUNDS LIKE EXACTLY WHAT I NEED!!! CALL THE BABYSITTER, TOM AND I ARE GOING TO HUNKER DOWN, EAT SOME HAMBURGER HELPER, DRINK SOME STRAWBERRY BOONES, AND MEMORIZE THESE SECRETS!

Ten Tips for Raising Happy Parents– RING, RING, HELLO MOM AND DAD, I AM COMING OVER, TAKE OUT THE JELLO MOLD, WE HAVE TO GO OVER ALL OF THESE TIPS THAT YOU DID NOT DO CORRECTLY WHEN YOU RAISED ME!

14 Things You Should Stop Doing to be a Happy Mom– STOP EVERYTHING, KIDS, HERE WATCH SOME TV, PLAY VIDEO GAMES FOR A WHILE BECAUSE I REALLY, REALLY NEED TO READ THIS ARTICLE SO I CAN STOP DOING WHAT I AM DOING, EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY. THEN I CAN FINALLY BE HAPPY.

The articles and the lists go on and on – tips and advice for every problem we are experiencing…Every article, every web site, every book offers a specific set of guidelines to fix yourself, better yourself, or improve yourself…ever glance at the headlines on magazine covers while standing in line at the grocery store? Five ways to feel confident, all the advice you need to look your best, beauty self-acceptance at last, ten ways to feel happy and fulfill your dreams, etc..

Even the very popular book, What to Expect When Your Expecting, sends a message that all you need is this book. Remember the movie, Knocked Up, and the scene where Katherine Heigl’s baby daddy comes rushing in and says something about the bloody show, and she looks at him and everything changes, she gushes, “You read the baby books.” Even she thought all of the answers were in a book!

I have been sucked in to this world of happy tips, alluring, cheery lessons, and happy faces and success stories for so long that I haven’t worked on my own personal “coping. ”

I just need to get out of bed and just try something every day. What I do know is that some days are just going to suck balls and you just have to get through it. No googling required.

All or nothing parenting

On April 4, 2014 By JillIn Uncategorized4 Comments

So I haven’t blogged in a while. I was thinking of stopping all together. I’ve been struggling with the girl’s behavior, struggling with getting Arianna to sleep. It has been a nightmare- I don’t know what is going on with her lately. I lay with her for an hour, we read stories, tell stories, and when it’s time for bed, she screams and has the most horrific tantrums.

She wants the light on now, the big light, not the nightlight. Last night, she was angry that I switched the big light off. I went downstairs, closed the door and tried to ignore the screaming and kicking on the door. Then I heard a crash. She threw the nightlight and the glass bulb shattered all about. The tantrums have been getting worse and worse lately and my oldest is getting sassier and more and more defiant.

I am home alone for most of the day, have a husband who works late, and lately this blog is one more headache. So I was just going to stop. I don’t have much too write about, how many times do my readers want to hear about the girls’ temper tantrums and trips to Target.

Yesterday, I was almost out the door at CVS without a bruise, and then Ari spotted these rubber ducks that she wanted at the counter…

The store checkout is the most stressful place for me, it’s all smiles and fun, walking through the store… and then we arrive at the counter…I hold my breath, feel my shoulders tense up. ‘Can we just pay? Can we just pay? Hurry up slow salesclerk!’ I think to myself.

Too late – the shiny wrappers of every kind of treat imaginable beckon my girls to touch and beg for treats…yesterday it was ducks- after calmly trying to rationalize with Ari to put the ducks back, we had a meltdown on the floor, and I had to pick up a thrashing Arianna, my bags, and get out of there, and then for some reason, Gia refused to walk out the door of CVS.

No idea why and I still don’t know. I left her there. This random lady walked her to my car (How embarrassing!) Also super fun trying to get them back in the car and buckled. I had to use my entire body to force crazy Ari into her car seat and try to buckle her.

I finally got them in, breathed a sigh of relief, and realized a man was patiently watching and waiting for me so he could get into his car. He’s like, “it’s ok, I have three boys at home,” but that didn’t make it any better.

The girls are a handful and a half, so I concluded that I simply have no time to write and I’ll just keep my life to myself. But, in the past week, a few people said to me, I miss the posts, and I liked reading because I don’t feel so alone, and today, my friend brought me a cantaloupe for our playdate! She read the post about me trying to get better about the sweets- that meant so much to me.

I kept wondering, what is the real reason I want to stop? Perhaps I had been writing too much, thinking too much about this blog, reading other mom blogs and not giving my girls the attention that they need. That, and the fact that I am burned out and drop dead exhausted after battling to get them to bed.

I know in my heart that the bed thing is just another stage and “this too shall pass.” So what was the problem? I was just being Jill- typical Jill, all or nothing Jill, I’ve always been this way, as long as I can remember, if I didn’t get 100 on a test, I was pissed. If I couldn’t figure out a math problem, I remember stressing for hours in my bedroom instead of just closing the book and asking the teacher the next day. Those are like the smallest examples of my all or nothing-ness. I could write a novel about my crazy head.

I am obsessive and I was going to do it again with parenting. I was going to shut down the blog and give the girls all my attention, and be “better” and only focus on them. As much as that sounds like a good mom thing to do, I realized today that a mom needs more than just their children. A friend came over this morning, my house was a disaster, I hadn’t brushed my teeth, Arianna just peed on the potty so she was naked, I had no make-up on, and hadn’t even brushed my hair (did take a shower though!) I had nothing baked and the bathroom was probably dirty….my friend and her girls came in. The girls played, and I talked and talked to an adult. It was great. It made me realize that being “a better mom” and only focusing on the kids is not a good solution. That was just all or nothing parenting.

That’s it for now, I have much more to write on this all or nothing disease later and the amazing power of friends.

How to make kid’s odd behavior work for you

On March 28, 2014 By JillIn Lists, Mommy Musings, Uncategorized3 Comments

My girls are strange. I am going to make it work for me…

1) Scared

“The kids are going to love these,” I thought to myself as I picked up a bag of smiley fries. I am always looking for creative ways to present food and this was a no brainer. I couldn’t wait to serve them up.

“AHHHHH,” Ari screamed when she peeked through the glass oven door. Her eyes wide and rimmed with tears, she clung on to me with dear life. “Scared,” she whimpered…

I couldn’t help but laugh and then I realized I could seriously use this to my advantage. I took a picture of the scary smiley’s, got it developed, and blew it into a life size poster. Next time I need some privacy, I will simply tape up the smileys and go into my room of choice. Voila – nobody’s gonna get me in here…

Always comes in handy to sleep with tools

2) Love of tools

Perhaps we went to Home Depot a few too many times but Arianna is simply obsessed with tools. Everywhere I go, there are screwdrivers, nuts and bolts, hex wrenches, and nails…teddybear who? She has even been sleeping with these comforting metal friends.

Strangest thing, right? The more I thought about this, I realized that this was quite a money saving situation. “Hey kids, want to get a treat!” We’re going to the hardware store! Never mind toys, nails and washers are like 25 cents a piece.

3)Obsessive

Ever watch one of those cop shows or movie thrillers where one of the characters is a major psychopath. His hideout has a wall completely filled with people’s eyes or something like that.

Imagine my horror when I picked up my cell phone, went to look for a picture, and ahh- hundreds of pictures of Ruby!

And, as if that wasn’t enough, hundreds more of this magnetic doll. My goodness, obsessive child I have!

Ok, let’s make this work for me, I thought to myself…clearly, the girls love taking pictures so next time we’re bored, we’ll take pictures of anything, our stuffed animals, other people’s mailboxes, odd holiday decor on neighboring houses…we can develop them and create photo albums. You can find cheapy albums at the dollar store. They can have their own collection of 100 pictures of “Mr. Bear, Stephanie, the unicorn, and whoever else.” Leave it off my phone!

4) The banana situation

For the past two weeks, Arianna has been asking for a banana- Gia eats one as often as she can – she is part monkey, I swear, always climbing on the counters and eating them. I figured little sis was just following in her footsteps but it turns out, she just enjoys peeling them and throwing the peel and the banana in the garbage! I thought it was just a one time thing until I noticed she was doing it every day.

“Ari, why are you asking for bananas when you don’t like them?” I asked.

“I like phone,” she says…

girlsbanana — Now that’s what I’m talking about!

Ok – so the girl has a thing for peeling bananas, she just likes to peel…this is really going to come in handy for me- I see a future full of silver surprises – “Come on Ari, put the toy doll down,” I have a treat for you. Flash her an aluminum wrapped anything. I’ll just regift from my own house!

So happy to get this present.

“Oh, Mommy, present, present, for me?”