I have to admit that I am feeling a little anxious…like pacing the floors, twiddling my thumbs, I even mopped the floor today! ugh… And if anyone remembers an old post about mopping, I HATE mopping- worst chore ever! Isn’t the word chore funny! Reminds me of farmer Jill saying “Do your chores kids…”
Last week was crazy busy… Gia had so many activities, her final show day for gymnastics.
Hawaii Day at school –
Plus I baked oatmeal cookie sandwiches, and chocolate chip Heath Bar blondies! Yum!
Why is it that I pick the weeks that I have to watch the sweets to torture myself with the mouth watering smells of chocolate and butter wafting through my kitchen….my twenty year high school reunion was this past Saturday – but then again, we women have a few tricks up our sleeves to hide those flaws… Unfortunately, the beach is only months away, and yikes! This body Is NOT READY! I seriously need to put the whisk down and stop baking… But I am addicted… I love the baking aisle! I find comfort in bags of chocolate chips, sacks of brown sugar, and flour.
Plus my scrumptious sweets make everyone happy! Well, maybe not everyone – I’m sure they’re those that roll their eyes when they see me coming – oh great, here comes Jill with her fucking cookies! Namely, my husband who would much rather a gourmet meal, but that ain’t gonna happen! Ok, it might…but that’s for the next chapter in life – crazy mom baker falls in love with Cornish Game Hens with rosemary and garlic and Filet Mignon with a Balsamic Reduction …. Mmm, that actually sounds exciting, but scares me…
And what was I even starting this post about… Oh right, anxious, you see, the hectic week has passed, my reunion was last night and it was so much fun, my amazingly helpful in laws were here helping out while I got pampered- nails, pedicure ( the leg massage felt so good that I actually started to cry…does that ever happen to you stressed out women? Like when you finally get to relax or do something for yourself, you just want to let it all out and cry and hug the Korean man or woman – although, they would probably not be too keen on that…
My mom in law finished up and folded all of my laundry! It was so fabulous, not to mention that this was the second weekend in a row they were here… Pure heaven. I got to go out and feel beautiful for two Saturdays in a row!
The strangest thing is going on today, I feel out of sorts… Without purpose – relaxation and I are not friends… Having craziness calm down, feeling kind of empty, and not stressed makes me want to… Scream, eat, worry about the fact that I don’t have any interesting hobbies, feel bored, want to get a job —- hahaha, not really! But, the point is that as a mom, I often feel on auto pilot, catering to their needs, calming their fights, wiping their butts and as much as I dream of a break, once I get it, I don’t know what to do with myself!
Exactly one month ago, I received a text message from my contractor, “I’m coming tomorrow, starting at 8:30 am, ok?”
“Yes. Of course, ok,” I enthusiastically messaged back. We were having our guest powder room redone – most expenses paid from my parents and in laws. Awesome housewarming present! (Thank you so much!)
About six months ago, we thought our contractor was going to start, let’s call him big D, and we rushed out to purchase the vanity and toilet, picking it out and purchasing it in one day, the very same day that we bought a new car- How’s that for cramming it all in! Well, it was a mistake, and as much as my husband will try to convince me, you cannot pick out something major for your house in one clean sweep.
Fast forward to the present time, and Big D, puts in the vanity, which I hadn’t even thought about or re visited since it has been sitting in our garage for the past six months, and I hated it! Well, Big D was not happy and neither was I, which pretty much summed up how this past month went.
It has been one hell of a month, with a major snowstorm every week, school closings, delayed openings, freezing temperatures, stir crazy children, big D trying to complete this project which would have taken a week but took an entire month.
There were blips along the way like the awful vanity, which I will repeat, caused anger and frustration on his part and severe anxiety on my side…Picture my face, frozen in fear, white as a ghost when told I needed to get a new vanity in a day or two so he could continue his work. In a past life, that would have been an exciting adventure…latte in hand, gabbing to my Mom about ideas, (Mom has been in Florida on vacay for the past month so no help there), perhaps popping in to the nail salon for a little mani – pedi pick me up, meeting a friend for lunch, and browsing in stores to find the perfect vanity..
SCREEEEECH! Stop this fantasy right now- I don’t even think I ever even had that sort of an experience, and probably never will, well, not for at least twenty years!
So back to reality – as I look down at my grandma hands- yup, I’m only 37 but these hands look like they have been through the war..rough, red, wrinkly skin, sorry looking cuticles, and the nails actually look like they have had animals gnawing on them at night. These hands are truly a tragedy.
Right, so me and my sad hands had to corral the girls into the car, get on my way, and just start shopping. I forgot snacks, I forgot shoes for Arianna, and I forgot that I was a real person for the next two days. I felt like I lived in a car, in stores, and only ate Cheez Its. I cannot tell you how many Cheez Its we ate in the past month… Between my nervous munching and my desperate choice of lunches and dinner for these girls as we drudged along store after store, aisle after aisle, looking for items for this bathroom. I feel horrified thinking about what that yellow cheesy fakeness has done to our poor digestive systems!
There were many kind people along the way, the sales clerks who frantically tried to calm down my two year old during her temper tantrums and meltdowns about wanting a certain candy or wanting out of the shopping cart, the kind woman at a local plumbing store who let the little one run around her showcase without her shoes, leaving a trail of crumbs, while touching everything in sight, and the friends who listened to me moan and complain about what a hard time I have had this past month.
I did, finally, find a vanity that I liked, I found a mirror, a chandelier, and the bathroom is essentially done, minus a few personal touches like a window treatment, and hand towels, but it was certainly not easy.
Every time Big D was working, my little Arianna was screaming and crying bloody murder from every sound that he made with the power drill, his compressor, staple gun, hammering, and even his mere 6’ 5” presence, it truly has been an exhausting experience, a mom friend even said to me the other day, “You look so tired,” and another friend was like, “Oh Jill, you need a night out,” and another Mom was like, “Oh you just bring those girls over to me and we’ll have a glass of wine.” OK- stop right there- a glass of wine? This lady doesn’t really know me- It’s going to take a lot more than that!
I feel like there is so so much more to write about than just the bathroom getting redone… this past month, every day seemed exactly the same. Groundhog day over and over, same screaming, same routine, same guilty mommy with the snacking, and the lack of stimulating, fulfilling activities, same feelings every morning, I lie in bed thinking to myself – “Today, I am not going to lose my temper, today we will do fun things all day and I will get the laundry done and the maybe mop the floor, and we will start eating better.” Same complaints to hubs every night, same apologizing for takeout or a hodge podge of a dinner, same scenery outside, snow, clouds, gray, dismal sky, and the same Jill, yoga pants, tense, stuffing my face with Cheez Its (those crackers are like CRACK, I never had one in my life until this past year and holy hell, those things are the death of me and my ass! It keeps getting bigger and bigger and the only saving grace to this complete disaster is Kim Kardashian- thank you girl for making the junk in your trunk look fashionable! One part of my body I do not have to pay money for! (Now, picturing all of my readers wondering, hmm, what plastic surgery has this hot momma had- you can tell I’ve been boozing a bit when I start calling myself a hot momma- like my friend and I used to do in the bars in our twenties, ok, probably in our thirties too, after lots of wine…looking at ourselves in the mirror- “damn girlfriend, we are so hot!” wink, wink, remember those days Arianna- my friend, not my daughter )
So- the point is I just have not been in the mood the write this blog lately, but I miss writing, and a few people have said to me, “Hey, I haven’t seen a post in a while.” So here it is. I will try to write more and so what if life is boring and stress producing- it’s life, right? And at the end of the day, I have these amazing, spirited, awe inspiring, heartbreakingly adorable little girls to cuddle with…AND THAT THOUGHT JUST MAKES ME WANT TO GET INTO BED, PULL OVER THE COVERS, LIE MY HEAD DOWN ON MY PILLOW, SMILE, AND THINK HOW LUCKY I AM, and let’s be honest, sleep, sleep, sleep because sleep is amazing…
This has been the absolute longest day! I haven’t left the house in two days and home with my two year old and four year old girls… I want to be honest here…I started a blog two days ago with the intention of writing about fabulous things but I have been on edge since I started this grandiose and ridiculous idea…
I think I just need to come to grips with the fact that I am an anxious, ruminating, stir crazy momma who struggles with non stop snacking when I am loosing it!
One half hour ago I was shoving cookies in my mouth because I am stuffing feelings perhaps… oh I’ve read all the books about emotional eating and apparently I’m self medicating! Yes, friends I am eating cookies because I thought that I could fly through these days being creative, fun, and stimulating to my children’s minds BUT!!! I got to about noon today and my mood just plummeted- these days are long and I just feel empty except for the millions of snacks I consumed today! ugh –
Quick background on me – I am 37, former teacher among other various professions – I worked with my first daughter and stayed home when I had the second so I’ve been home about two years now and let me tell you – it is tough!
I love my girls and they are so beautiful but I get so bored at home. I do play dates, baking, crafts, dance, gymnastics, story time, mall trips, icecream trips- you know the drill stay at home moms! I try to keep busy but sometimes I just want to scream!
the boredom, the monotonous day to day , the impossible shopping trips, the tantrums, the food issues…I feel so trapped sometimes.